Just so you know, I've recently adopted some new rules that have come my way.
New Rule: Stop showing me those banner ads for classmates dot com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn, plowing the snow.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Smoked Salmon? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky Bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about! your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread, cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and NutraSweet, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just challenged.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called The Howard Stern Show.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "He's two," will do just fine. He/She's not a cheese. And I didn't really care that much in the first place..