Monday, May 31, 2004

William Hung Butchers 'Take Me Out to Ball Game'

TORONTO - William Hung butchered "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the seventh-inning stretch of Sunday's matchup between the Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers, much to the delight of 22,225 at SkyDome.

The American Idol reject best known for his hyperactive, tone-deaf rendition of Ricky Martin (news)'s "She Bangs," shrugged off a brief smattering of boos and belted out the baseball classic off-key while fans egged him on. Some even joined in.


Hung's presence brought a gaggle of media usually indifferent to baseball to the game, including staff from Rolling Stone magazine. A team official said more media credentials were issued Sunday than on opening day.


The Blue Jays initially tried to bring Hung in opening day, but that conflicted with the release of his debut album, "Inspiration," which is nearing 100,000 copies sold.


"I still am surprised," Hung said before the game. "I can't believe it."


The record deal is certainly testing the limits on the Hong Kong native's 15 minutes of fame. A civil engineering student at the University of California, he's spending most of his time these days touring to promote the album.




Sunday, May 30, 2004

Span of French Millau bridge, world highest, is completed

Yahoo! News - Span of French Millau bridge, world highest, is completed

Can you imagine the conversation amongst the travelers familiar with the accident at the airport lining up? "You first." "No you go ahead." "Please, YOU be the first"

Who should make the Coffee?

Who should make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the

coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The

husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you

should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my

coffee." Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the

Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, " I can't

believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New

Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says






"HEBREWS"

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Here we go again....

Watch Out! Be careful out there!

Friday, May 28, 2004

HeckleBot - Joi Ito Wiki

Finally a tool to give immediate feedback to long-winded speakers at conferences!!!

Peek at the new Louisiana Quarter!

Probably the best loved artwork of all the new 25 cent pieces.



:)

Ooooops... The Ford Cat commercial

BasemenTV.com | Great Ads & Commercials | Ford Cat

Types of Project Managers - funny...

Found today. Very funny stuff from Wilson Mar about Project Managers...

Also, his website is a great place to mine for work ideas when you are stumped..... Visit often! Highly recommended.



Types of Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! -- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me! -- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you! -- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you! -- tough project manager (eats glass, cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you. -- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can! -- messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all! -- suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way. -- thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way. -- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? -- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way. -- pragmatic project manager

If we get in each others' way, who will get killed? -- An utterly confused manager

Kill me, it's the only way. -- every project manager to date.

—Source unknown

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Is your name Chris Toney?

ChrisToney.org :: Index Then leave a note saying you were here!!!

I know that there are about 180 of you out there. The only way to distinguish from each other is to use your middle/first name or your zip code. I am ChrisToney54005. Who are you?

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

The best German car?

Don't like German engineering? Try it. You'll either love it or hate it.... Listen carefully and you can hear the engine missing!!!

Make Your Own Arcade

Popular Science | Make Your Own Arcade Game If anyone feels like doing this let me know. I will supply half the parts! IF you YOU have an old cabinet, any cabinet, let me know.

C

The Old Man - (thanks mom)

Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to outpatients at the clinic.

One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man.

"Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.

But the appalling thing was his face, lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night.

I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus until morning."

He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success; no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face. I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning." I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper.
When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No thank you. I have plenty." And he held up a brown paper bag.

When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with a thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going. At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him.

When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded, and the little man was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, "Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind."I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4 a.m., and I wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us.

In the years he came to stay overnight with us there was never a time that he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden. Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish and oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed.

Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these and knowing how little money he had made the gifts doubly precious. When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. "Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!" Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice. But, oh! If only they could have known him, perhaps their illness' would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him; from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.

Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse. As she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, rusty bucket. I thought to myself, "If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!" My friend changed my mind. "I ran short of pots," she explained, "and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I can put it out in the garden."

She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when he came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman. "He won't mind starting in this small body." All this happened long ago -- and now, in God's garden, how tall this lovely soul must stand.
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7b) Friends are very special. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear and they share a word of praise. Show your friends how much you care. Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.

About Last Night... Posted by Hello

Monday, May 24, 2004

Why are we still there?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are expected to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars ! in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear.....




WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

My Gmail experience.

Gmail Though a little confusing at first, I have come to believe that gmail will be my main email soon. No spam yet either. Have had it for about 2 weeks but have not really used or exercised it in the "wild". Time will tell...

C

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Yahoo sets up standard to combat spam

Yahoo sets up standard to combat spam - News - ZDNet What about VIRUSES? Check out the screen cap of my Yahoo Bulk mail folder today. Notice that they all have 67k attachments... Virus? Probably. See67k.png to view.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

My new deck is done!

Pictures coming soon! Remind me if I forget...

Doctor's Office Etiquette (thanks Alicia)

Doctor's Office Etiquette

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's office receptionist who insists you describe what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this. You've got to love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Sad but true! (thanks mom)

THE ONE DOLLAR BILL

A torn and ragged one dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.

The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the
finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean.

"Gee," said the one dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."

"So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?"

"Well, I've been to ... the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Episcopal Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Lutheran Church, the
Catholic Church, the Orthodox Church, the Assembly of God Church, the Brethren Church, the Quaker Church, the Pentecostal Church, the
Charismatic Church, the Mennonite Church, the Church of Christ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

See! Sad but true....

Ole, Lena and yes, even Sven jokes.. (thanks Shelley)

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm. "Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, Vat is your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were back here with me".
-----


Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat All ya have is your ol John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
-----


Sven got a new pick-up truck, ya know. So he called up Ole and says "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vit me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole went with Sven (Lena came along too cuz' she wasn't doin' nuttin anyway). So Ole and Lena sat in the front of the truck and Sven sat in the back. Then they were on the ice when all of a sudden the truck went right through the ice!

So even though Ole and Lena are pretty big people they managed to get out of the truck, and they were waiting for Sven at the top when he finally popped up through the hole. Ole says, "Sven, vat took you so long!"

"Vell", says Sven, "It took me a while to figure out how to open da tail gate."
-----


Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
-----


Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know! Dat's over 2,000 miles away," and he hung up.

Lena say's "who was dat, Ole?"

Ole say's, "Hell if I know, some weirdo wants ta know if da coast is clear."
-----

Friday, May 07, 2004

Redneck Etiquette (thanks Dave)

REDNECK ETIQUETTE
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When pouring wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
3 Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

Monday, May 03, 2004

The Linguist

THE LINGUIST

A practical joker has stirred up trouble by publishing a Japanese-to-English phrase book with incorrect definitions for every phrase!

Now thousands of Japanese tourists who've painstakingly studied the bogus dictionary in preparation for trips to America are arriving on our shores only to encounter blank stares, hysterical laughter or even brutal beatings as soon as they open their mouths.

"The man who compiled this dictionary clearly went out of his way to wreak havoc," says New York hotel concierge Jacqueline Porseman, who arranges tours for many VIP guests from Japan. "For instance, when the Japanese think they're asking 'Can you direct me to the rest room?' the book actually has them saying, 'Excuse me, may I caress your buttocks?' "And, the phrase for 'I am very pleased to meet you' is given as 'My friend, your breath could knock over a water buffalo".

At least 50,000 copies of the book have been sold in Japan in the past year and while the Japanese government has pulled the plug on further sales, copies still turn up in used bookstores and bargain-hunters snap them up.

"This is not a funny matter to us," says Hiro Suzuki of the Japanese embassy. "Our citizens who look forward to a pleasurable time in America are being laughed at, spat upon, roughed up and humiliated without knowing what they said wrong. Tourists have been found beaten to a pulp on street corners with this terrible phrase book still in their hands."

Among the nearly 2,300 incidents reported to the embassy:

* A 29-year-old Tokyo man visiting San Francisco for the first time meant to ask a female store clerk, "May I please have film for my camera?" But what he actually said was, "Would you place your copious breasts in my mouth?" He was slapped in the face, then got tossed out by the manager.
*Four family members from Osaka were thrilled see their favorite American singer coming out of a ritzy store in Beverly Hills. While waving frantically, they shouted out what they believed to be, "We love you so much." Unfortunately, what they really said was, "We're here to take your head." The four were arrested and detained for six hours by police.

* A 45-year-old tourist from Okinawa looking for the legendary Apollo Theater in Harlem thought he was asking a group of young men, "I am lost. Which way is uptown?" In reality, he said, "I know martial arts. May I kick your ass?" He was chased five blocks before being rescued by police.


No one knows who's behind the elaborate hoax. Some suspect the editor-publisher of the book, identified only as "M.L. Tanaka," is a disgruntled former Japanese tourism official. Others insist the culprit is a U.S. autoworker who lost his job to Japan in the '80s. Says Porseman, "If it's an American, I wonder how 'funny' he thinks it would be to visit a Sumo wrestling gym in Tokyo and think he's saying 'You guys are the best, keep it up,' when he's really saying, 'You have fat butts. Sit on my head.'"It's not so amusing when the shoe is on the other foot, is it?"

Ahhhhh Hippie Hollow.....

Yahoo! News - Barge Capsizes Approaching Nude Beach Good fishing there too!


Barge Capsizes Approaching Nude Beach
2 hours, 45 minutes ago Add Strange News - AP to My Yahoo!



AUSTIN, Texas - A double-decker party barge capsized when dozens of passengers moved to one side of the boat as it approached Texas' only nude beach.

Sixty people on the boat were rescued Sunday from Lake Travis, including two with minor injuries, authorities said.

The accident happened during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.

Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side after it was tied up at Hippie Hollow, the only public nude beach in Texas, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt.

"As the captain was running upstairs to tell them to move away from the railing, it capsized," dumping its passengers into about 39 feet of water, Travis County sheriff's spokesman Roger Wade said.

Wade said it was unclear why the people all were on one side of the boat.

Krista Umscheid, a spokeswoman for the Lower Colorado River Authority, said everyone aboard was safe.

A naked body I am guessing...