Friday, May 07, 2004

Redneck Etiquette (thanks Dave)

REDNECK ETIQUETTE
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When pouring wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
3 Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

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