Thursday, October 30, 2003

The cute cat SWF

Cat follow the mouse pointer!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

KFC® Kids Laptop

KFC® Kids Laptop "Ultimate Family Connection Vacation" Sweepstakes - KFC.com Not open to residents of NY, FL or RI.... I had this Laptop thingy today. Mighty tasty for $4....

Updated Link --- http://kids.kfc.com/

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

A little old couple prepares to go to bed (thanks Mark)

They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'"

Monday, October 27, 2003

Did you see the Borealis this week?

Neither did I. Here in the northern midwest, we are experiencing that dreaded time of the year that begins right after the Daylight Savings Time goof. You get up to go to work and its kind of bright and when you leave from work its kind of dusk. Throw into the mix lots of clouds, drizzle and 40°. This depression does not end until Thanksgiving or 6" of snow that sticks; whichever comes first. So if you were one of the lucky few who actually got to see the result of the massive SCME consider yourself lucky! For us other dopes, click here for more info.

Football Fans joke - insert your favorite team name and forward on!

A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Vikings fan are driving in a car when one
of them noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female passed out drunk. Out of respect
and propriety, the Bears fan took off his cap and placed it over her left
breast. The Packer fan took off his cap and placed it over her right
breast. Following their lead, the Vikings fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The Police were called and when the officer arrived at the scene he
conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Bears cap, replaced it
and wrote down some notes. Then he lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it
and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted up the Vikings cap
replaced it, then lifted it up again, replaced it, then
lifted it up a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Vikings fan was getting upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or
something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking and
lifting and looking? What's up with that?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am surprised. Normally when I look under a
Vikings cap, I find an asshole."

The Wisconsin Thong Thief - BUSTED!

The Smoking Gun: Thong Thief BUSTED!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Microsoft Xbox Game Console with Game Controller $129.99 ! ! ! ! !

Computer Geeks - Microsoft Xbox Game Console Microsoft Xbox Game Console with Game Controller $129.99 XBOX-R You might want to pick up one at this price...

Friday, October 17, 2003

This is a good deal!

I have been getting $.049/minute long distance for over a year now. No problems, ever! If you are fed up of paying too much for long distance, give these guys a call or visit the website. Enter my phone number and I get a credit!!! 715-268-7975

<<>>

The Ranchers Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Thanks Beth!

In the news...

In the news... Funny stuff bordering on the deranged. (Occasionally crossing) - Thanks Joe!

Dave Barry's 15 things

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 40 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Thanks Bob!

Why Men Are So Damn Cool

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work . More pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair-style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Thanks Mike!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Pastor Bob

Pastor Bob goes to the Pub

Pastor Bob walked into a neighborhood pub that was hopping with music and dancing.

Every now and than the lights would go out followed by an eruption of cheers from the crowd.

When somebody noticed the pastor however, the revelry stopped, and the room got very quiet.

Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"For heavens sake, why not?"

"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her...."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men's room.

After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause.

Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house.

"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, "What happened?"

"They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied with a grin.

"How?"

The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out."