Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Hall of Technical Documentation Weirdness
verrrrry funnny!

Friday, July 25, 2003

My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.

I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway in my lane, still working on her eye liner. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call. DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....

(thanks Mike)
Yahoo! News - Dog-eating catfish dies

Thursday, July 24, 2003

DOCTOR SPEAK
-translated (thanks Nancy)

"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.


"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
Make Ice Cream in 30 Seconds
If your name is on the list, please report to the RIAA immediately: Ghettobootybabe8, your subpoena is waiting for you. Same for you, munkeyspanker21 and sweetthang1421. In fact, if you've traded copyrighted music files under a Kazaa ID, you might want to check a list posted on the TechTV site of some of the targets of the Recording Industry Association of America's war on file swappers. The list was complied by Tech Live staffers who pored through those subpoenas that were available through the federal court system's paid online database, PACER. The Associated Press has been busy too, not waiting for ISPs to comply with the more than 900 subpoenas intended to uncover the real names behind the screen names of file traders. With a little digging, the AP located and contacted some of the targets, much to the consternation of some other unsuspecting members of their households. "Within five minutes, if I can get hold of her, this will come to an end,'' said Gordon Pate, 67, of Dana Point, Calif., when he was told that a subpoena had been issued over his 23-year-old daughter's music downloads. The RIAA, believing the only route to identifying targets was through their ISPs, was a bit befuddled by these public outings. "It's not a scenario we had truthfully envisaged," said the group's president, Cary Sherman. "If somebody wants to settle before a lawsuit is filed it would be fine to call us, but it's really not clear how we're going to perceive this."
Defying the will of the White House and the Republican-controlled Federal Communications Commission, the House voted 400-21 Wednesday to overturn controversial rule changes adopted by the FCC in June that would allow a single company to own TV stations serving 45 percent of TV viewers nationwide.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Microsoft Latest Exploit patches on TechNet
Yahoo! News - What Your Cat Is Trying to Tell You Oh Great.... Now they will tell on me.....Anyways, here is A Letter To Our Dogs (and Cats) Thanks Shelley!


Dear Dogs/Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years, canine/feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animals butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog(s)/cat(s) live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog/cat a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog/cat. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

Sincerely,

Your so-called owner.
Yahoo! News - China's 'Loch Ness Monster' Resurfaces

YIKES!
Yahoo! News - Masturbating Lowers Prostate Cancer Risk - Study

I'm good!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Things to Ponder

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in
her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. -Author
Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he
knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this
very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he
sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made
prior to crossing the Delaware "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Great Truths About Life: 1) Raising teenagers
is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families
are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak
is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground. 5) Laughing is good
exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you
choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really,"
answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
The best technology web log around!
Adobe expands e-forms push

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Another good page not found!Cannot find New York Times Story Hilarious!

Stephen Hawking's Day Off
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little
boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy.

"Well, I can see that." She said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16 year old
sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

INNER PEACE:

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace. I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Absolut Vodka, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
(thanks Mark)
DRUNKENNESS

ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____
WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

WHUT????Yahoo! News - Britney Spears Says She's Not a Virgin No WAY!!!!
Cool "Page not found" Very funny...Cannot find Weapons of Mass Destruction
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.


WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

(thanks Mike)
Ghandi --

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him......What?

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(Thanks for forwarding Joanne!)
Joe was dying. His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.


Joe looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling
Carol," he whispered.


"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."


In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."


"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Carol. "Everything's
all right, just go to sleep."


"No, no. I must die in peace, Carol I...I cheated on you!"


"I know," Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Just let
the poison work".


(thanks Ericka)

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Wait, wait not yet. Ok now. I have this blog thing working now. It started out as a cool little button on the new beta google toolbar. I decided to give it a test drive. Only one week later, I have it working. Yes, just click a button on a relevant web page, write some comments, and post. It ftp's right into the right place for you to read. Very cool, though I feel that over the past several months, I am becoming stupid. I know old, but now, old and stupid. Sucks.
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