Friday, December 26, 2003

Mars Mission Status

Spaceflight Now | Destination Mars | Mission Status Center

Slowpoke on Mercury Pollution

Slowpoke is a comic strip.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Scirus Search - for scientific information

Scirus - for scientific information Type in something strange. See what you get.

UNKLE

UNKLE - what I've been listening to today.

Friday, December 19, 2003

To Overclock or not to Overclock?

ClockGen

U.K. Castle Cameras Catch Ghostly Visitor!

Yahoo! News - World Photos - AP: "A costumed figure stands in a doorway at Hampton Court Palace in southwest London in this image caught on closed circuit television and released by the Palace Friday, Dec. 19, 2003. On several occasions in October 2003, guards at the palace were alerted to an open fire door in the 16th century palace. Upon reviewing the CCTV footage, the curious image of a costumed figure suddenly appeared on the screen and closed the doors. The Palace is well known for its alleged supernatural activity. (AP Photo/Hampton Court Palace, HO) " comments?

Table of Graphics Chips

HHP: Table of Graphics Chips Finally a specification comparison!

Microsoft Office Automagic Updater site

Microsoft Office Downloads

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Funny Picture of DICK Gephardt in Iowa.

Yahoo! News - Top Stories Photos - AP

ANOTHER TIME TRAVELER? Google search reveals:

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003



By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html



Thursday, November 06, 2003

Letter of Resignation

(Supposed) Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers,USA, to his boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!


Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mothers birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

KFC® Kids Laptop

KFC® Kids Laptop "Ultimate Family Connection Vacation" Sweepstakes - KFC.com Not open to residents of NY, FL or RI.... I had this Laptop thingy today. Mighty tasty for $4....

Updated Link --- http://kids.kfc.com/

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

A little old couple prepares to go to bed (thanks Mark)

They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'"

Monday, October 27, 2003

Did you see the Borealis this week?

Neither did I. Here in the northern midwest, we are experiencing that dreaded time of the year that begins right after the Daylight Savings Time goof. You get up to go to work and its kind of bright and when you leave from work its kind of dusk. Throw into the mix lots of clouds, drizzle and 40°. This depression does not end until Thanksgiving or 6" of snow that sticks; whichever comes first. So if you were one of the lucky few who actually got to see the result of the massive SCME consider yourself lucky! For us other dopes, click here for more info.

Football Fans joke - insert your favorite team name and forward on!

A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Vikings fan are driving in a car when one
of them noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female passed out drunk. Out of respect
and propriety, the Bears fan took off his cap and placed it over her left
breast. The Packer fan took off his cap and placed it over her right
breast. Following their lead, the Vikings fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The Police were called and when the officer arrived at the scene he
conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Bears cap, replaced it
and wrote down some notes. Then he lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it
and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted up the Vikings cap
replaced it, then lifted it up again, replaced it, then
lifted it up a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Vikings fan was getting upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or
something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking and
lifting and looking? What's up with that?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am surprised. Normally when I look under a
Vikings cap, I find an asshole."

The Wisconsin Thong Thief - BUSTED!

The Smoking Gun: Thong Thief BUSTED!

Friday, October 17, 2003

This is a good deal!

I have been getting $.049/minute long distance for over a year now. No problems, ever! If you are fed up of paying too much for long distance, give these guys a call or visit the website. Enter my phone number and I get a credit!!! 715-268-7975

<<>>

The Ranchers Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Thanks Beth!

In the news...

In the news... Funny stuff bordering on the deranged. (Occasionally crossing) - Thanks Joe!

Dave Barry's 15 things

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 40 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Thanks Bob!

Why Men Are So Damn Cool

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work . More pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair-style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Thanks Mike!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Pastor Bob

Pastor Bob goes to the Pub

Pastor Bob walked into a neighborhood pub that was hopping with music and dancing.

Every now and than the lights would go out followed by an eruption of cheers from the crowd.

When somebody noticed the pastor however, the revelry stopped, and the room got very quiet.

Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"For heavens sake, why not?"

"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I'm afraid it would offend you, being a man of the cloth and all. She is only wearing a fig leaf over her...."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

And still feeling very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men's room.

After a few minutes he emerged, and the whole place was filled with music and dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause.

Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink, on the house.

"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender, "What happened?"

"They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied with a grin.

"How?"

The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him. "When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, all the lights go out."

Monday, September 29, 2003

Free Public Proxies

Free Public Proxies - Surf anonymously... Sorry folks, link destroyed. It was linking to a spyware site now.. .. . .. .. . . . .. ..

Thursday, September 25, 2003

TiVo or not TiVo? Some buying advice to help you sift through DVR deals

Mercury News | 09/25/2003 | TiVo or not TiVo? Some buying advice to help you sift through DVR deals: "TiVo or not TiVo? Some buying advice to help you sift through DVR deals" Also, click here for the best ACTUAL DEAL on a TIVO/DIRECTV unit: http://www.rapidsatellite.com/tivo_land.aspx

Test for Psychosis

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question:
What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer.) The answer is below but wait and give it some thought.



Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for
you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my e-mail list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Crazy.....Man........

MIND MORPHING MULTIMEDIA BY LARRY Pretty cool though...

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

AbleShoppers - Coupon & Online Shopping Deal

AbleShoppers - Coupon & Online Shopping Deal: "Samsung ML-1710 Laser Printer $79.23
Click here and use code '79253059' to activate the $20 off $100 coupon (EXP 09/30/03). Then search for '431488' to find the Samsung ML-1710 17PPM Laser Printer for $169.23. Add to cart. Your total is then $169.23 - $20 off - $70 Rebate (EXP 12/31/03) = $79.23 with free shipping. "

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

How to drink and smoke and curse?

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak...

I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?"

" Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."

"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"

" I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.

The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.... One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just taught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."

Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the pulpit. Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Readability Sutdy

Can you read this?

"Aoccdrnig to rseearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe."

Hoom! Maps and Walking Directions

Directions to the Shire from LOTR!

Good Joke! (thanks Bob)

A man left work one Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After getting no apology whatsoever from the man, his wife simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by & he didn't see his wife. Tuesday &Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Groaners...

Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar.
One was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
-----------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Ultr@VNC - Remote Control Software

Ultr@VNC - Remote Control Software Very cool.

Yahoo! News - Sometimes Even an Orangutan Needs a Hug

Yahoo! News - Sometimes Even an Orangutan Needs a Hug Don't we all?

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

McAfee Security - World Virus Map

Way cool World Virus Map

My Yahoo!

An oldie, but goodie for cat fans.

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,"T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, picked up a 500 mL graduated cylinder, walked over to the fridge, took out a liter of milk, got a 300 mL glass from the cupboard, measured and poured exactly 275 mL of milk into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good too.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had sex with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp, and went home on sick leave.

Still good for a laff!

Friday, July 25, 2003

My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.

I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway in my lane, still working on her eye liner. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call. DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....

(thanks Mike)
Yahoo! News - Dog-eating catfish dies

Thursday, July 24, 2003

DOCTOR SPEAK
-translated (thanks Nancy)

"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.


"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
Make Ice Cream in 30 Seconds
If your name is on the list, please report to the RIAA immediately: Ghettobootybabe8, your subpoena is waiting for you. Same for you, munkeyspanker21 and sweetthang1421. In fact, if you've traded copyrighted music files under a Kazaa ID, you might want to check a list posted on the TechTV site of some of the targets of the Recording Industry Association of America's war on file swappers. The list was complied by Tech Live staffers who pored through those subpoenas that were available through the federal court system's paid online database, PACER. The Associated Press has been busy too, not waiting for ISPs to comply with the more than 900 subpoenas intended to uncover the real names behind the screen names of file traders. With a little digging, the AP located and contacted some of the targets, much to the consternation of some other unsuspecting members of their households. "Within five minutes, if I can get hold of her, this will come to an end,'' said Gordon Pate, 67, of Dana Point, Calif., when he was told that a subpoena had been issued over his 23-year-old daughter's music downloads. The RIAA, believing the only route to identifying targets was through their ISPs, was a bit befuddled by these public outings. "It's not a scenario we had truthfully envisaged," said the group's president, Cary Sherman. "If somebody wants to settle before a lawsuit is filed it would be fine to call us, but it's really not clear how we're going to perceive this."
Defying the will of the White House and the Republican-controlled Federal Communications Commission, the House voted 400-21 Wednesday to overturn controversial rule changes adopted by the FCC in June that would allow a single company to own TV stations serving 45 percent of TV viewers nationwide.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Microsoft Latest Exploit patches on TechNet
Yahoo! News - What Your Cat Is Trying to Tell You Oh Great.... Now they will tell on me.....Anyways, here is A Letter To Our Dogs (and Cats) Thanks Shelley!


Dear Dogs/Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years, canine/feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animals butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog(s)/cat(s) live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog/cat a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog/cat. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

Sincerely,

Your so-called owner.
Yahoo! News - China's 'Loch Ness Monster' Resurfaces

YIKES!
Yahoo! News - Masturbating Lowers Prostate Cancer Risk - Study

I'm good!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Things to Ponder

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in
her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. -Author
Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he
knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this
very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he
sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made
prior to crossing the Delaware "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Great Truths About Life: 1) Raising teenagers
is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families
are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak
is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground. 5) Laughing is good
exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you
choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really,"
answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
The best technology web log around!
Adobe expands e-forms push

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Another good page not found!Cannot find New York Times Story Hilarious!

Stephen Hawking's Day Off
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little
boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy.

"Well, I can see that." She said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16 year old
sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

INNER PEACE:

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace. I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Absolut Vodka, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
(thanks Mark)
DRUNKENNESS

ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
_____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____
WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

WHUT????Yahoo! News - Britney Spears Says She's Not a Virgin No WAY!!!!
Cool "Page not found" Very funny...Cannot find Weapons of Mass Destruction
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.


WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

(thanks Mike)
Ghandi --

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him......What?

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(Thanks for forwarding Joanne!)
Joe was dying. His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.


Joe looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling
Carol," he whispered.


"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."


In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."


"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Carol. "Everything's
all right, just go to sleep."


"No, no. I must die in peace, Carol I...I cheated on you!"


"I know," Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Just let
the poison work".


(thanks Ericka)

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Wait, wait not yet. Ok now. I have this blog thing working now. It started out as a cool little button on the new beta google toolbar. I decided to give it a test drive. Only one week later, I have it working. Yes, just click a button on a relevant web page, write some comments, and post. It ftp's right into the right place for you to read. Very cool, though I feel that over the past several months, I am becoming stupid. I know old, but now, old and stupid. Sucks.
ChrisToney.org :: Index
My Yahoo!

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Arby's has had the 5 for $5.95 sandwich special this past week. The seeds on the bun though, don't digest completely. They sure do taste good though.